Memories roll back and that too as a fire. Whatever happened to the fire? Whom would she ask for deliverance? From those days which cannot be remembered now, she had withdrawn her from fire. She had been torched, burnt and the relationship has continued till today.
Formless fire. At times it starts burning deep inside the belly and at other times, it starts below the heart to spread its smoke everywhere. At times in the head, in the eyes. She burnt everywhere.
The bus ran fast. She was seated on the third row alongwith her mother. She looked outside and her heart wasn’t fixed on anything. She could not relish the sight of mountains – nature’s footprint on earth. How could she when her heart was heavy like mountains themselves? Mother had slept and had leaned on her and she looked very, very tired. Will she survive?
How is this part of her life going to be? She was sleeping, quite unaware of everything. Probably, she was fighting within herself. She has got used to everything. The teething troubles she had to confront, all within 35 years of her age? She could see burrows in mother’s face, a map of sorrows!
Mother had narrated her story many times over. Each time, she would heavy a heavy sight the end. Tears would well up. At times, she would stop midway without finishing them and would keep silent.
Her mother was the only daughter of Balakrishna Naicker, who commanded great influence around her place of birth. She got married to Ramasami at a very young age. He was a nice person too. They settled down in this place after a long journey. Every though they were together for only a month, what a life it was? Those were glorious days. Nobody else would have lived a like that. The ecstatic life had made her put more weight to her body. On that particular early morning, with water dropping from her hairs which she tried in vain to stop by tying a towel around, she was near the bed trying to wake up Ramasami. That was the moment it happened!
Someone knocked at the door and when she opened, two policemen stood there.
“Is Ramasami here?”
“Well, who are you looking for?”
“Aren’t you Balakrishna Naicker’s daughter?”
“It is your priceless husband that we are looking for!”
Ramasami got up, half-asleep and asked.
“What is the matter, Sir?”
“You casteless dog. How dare you ask what the matter is?”
“Didn’t you burgle Naicker’s house? How would mend your ways?”
“You can’t escape from Naicker’s vigilant eyes. Wherever you are it isn’t difficult to locate you? Come fast! Sir wanted you quickly.”
Early in the morning, the Sun’s rays pierced through her skin like a thorn and blood oozed from the wounds. “When your father returned after 15 days, there was only a skeleton left. He left me again after a month.” Mother had repeated this story many time and every time, she could not finish it without crying. Now life seemed to be draining itself from her body!
“The police must have beaten him hard. Otherwise, it wasn’t an age for Ramasami to die. There wasn’t a disease either with which he suffered” Rasu Gounder often repeated his impression of her father in a tone of concealed anger.
“The bus would stop for 10 minutes. Those who wish to take tea, coffee.. could do so.” The conductor boy’s voice brought her back to the present, immersed as she was in the past.
Mother was still asleep unaware of the fact that the bus had reached Kumbakonam. She took mother’s head and placed it on the back of the seat. She got down with a thermo flask to fetch milk.
The Bus started again, slowly but picked up speed soon. She poured some milk into the glass and waited for the milk to cool down. Mother could gup down only two mouthfuls and then waved her hands indicate her inability to take anymore.
“You haven’t eaten anything since morning. Why don’t you take something?” Forcing mother, she poured one more mouthful. A part of it slipped through the sides of the mouth. She rubbed it and closed the flask. Mother started sleeping again.
She did not sleep well for the past two days and her eyes were burning. But the fire inside did not let her sleep. She did not sleep well from the moment it was confirmed at Adayar hospital that her mother was stricken with cancer.
She passed her SSLC exam with great difficulty. Her mother had to pass through innumerable hurdles to get her clear the SSLC. Mother worked as a maid, an Ayah in a government school. Once mother had bought her a full skirt and half sari by borrowing money from a lender. When mother could not return the money with interest in time, the money lender appeared in front of her house and shouted, “I should not have lent money to a woman who had cut off her sacred thread.” On hearing this abuse, both cried like children.
As she slept, mother repeatedly leaned over her. She placed mother’s head on her lap and ran her finger through her hair. She too slowly closed her eyes down. Even while boarding the bus, mother had vomited. The vomit contained a streak of blood. Frightened, she mopped it up and threw the cloth out. Brooding over other incidents, she slept.
The bus had come to a halt with a sudden jerk. She opened the eyes to look around. Seeing everybody moving quickly, she realised that they too have to get down.
“Amma, Amma....” Is she feeling drowsy?
She opened mother’s eyes with her hands, but the eyes did not move... Amma...
Amma had ended her journey. A crowd of bystanders assembled heeding to her blaring cry. Mother was soon brought down slowly. She stood fixed at the spot, not knowing what to do. The drivers, conductors, rickshaw pullers and the public collected money and together with the 100 rupees she had, hired a taxi to take mother’s body home.
So many events took place thereafter but she remembered only the fire which chased her. Rathinam Mama took her with him to his house. She steadfastly refused to go along with him. “I will stay here carrying memories of mother. I am also familiar with this place. I would survive doing menial jobs here. You don’t worry about me.” She pleaded with Mama.
“Don’t talk like that! You are a grown up girl now and it is not proper on your part to stay alone. What would the people think of us?”
Again, she felt the fire fast approaching her. Lying on her bed, she was ruminating over the events which have passed over. Through the bamboo partition, she hear voices crossing through.
“We have already got two girls of marriageable age. Now you have bought one more! What step you had taken?” Aunty was doing the talking.
Mama replied in feeble tones. She could hardly hear it. So she placed her ears close to the partition. “How stupid you are? Don’t you know that her mother worked as a maid in a government school? Dependents of government employees receive One Lakh ruppes on the death of the employee. Don’t you know this too?” They all laughed together.
She woke up all of a sudden early in the morning. Again the fire had enveloped her and there is no escaping its circular orbit. Where would she go now? What is to be done? She mused over these questions but decide she did.
She decided to leave the house and live alone and chased by fire all over again!
(Written originally in Tamil by Mr. Vetri Selvan)
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